Brain Droppings

I have a dream... please don't lock me up.

2006-03-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

Well I got all your hints. I've been lazy. I'll admit that. I'm going to try to do this stuff more often, honest. Sometimes, I just don't think I do anything interesting enough to waste your time on. So then my husband says, "Write about your weird dreams, everyone will want to hear about that bizarre stuff."

So here goes.

First of all, I want to go on record as saying that I'm completely sane...or at least Mostly Harmless.

This is the weirdest dream I've ever had:

I was in a huge courtroom. There were several judges there, and they were all wearing robes and those powdered white wigs. The judges each had a little man living inside their desk. The little men were about the size of barbie dolls, and they all wore powder-blue polyester jumpsuits and roller skates. Their job was to keep the judges' desktops clean. If the desk got cluttered, a little man would rollerskate out and sweep things up.

I thought that this was a huge injustice. I was convinced that the judges were taking advantage of the little men. I was arguing my point, when all of the sudden, the courtroom erupted with noise and confusion. I turned around, and some hollywood people had come in and were giving out free stuff to promote the TV show "What's Happening!"

Noone cared any longer about the little men, or what I had to say because they were too busy lined up to score some free Rerun hats.

I woke up after that. It was all very strange.

I want to again point out that I'm perfectly normal, or failing that, not capable of hurting anyone. Also, for all of you would-be dream analysts out there, I HATE "What's Happening!"
HATE HATE HATE! Always have.

I would also like to again point out to those of you who don't seem to want to believe me, I don't ALWAYS dream about Mr. T. I had one dream with Mr. T in it...and he wasn't even a main character. He barely made a cameo.

Anyway, leave your comments and tell me what you think. If you're interested, next time I'll tell you about the Mr. T dream... and maybe the Robert Stack dream.

Hoorah for Mail!

2005-09-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of junk mail. You name it, I get it. Coupons, flyers, credit card offers, kids with cystic fibrosis send me address labels, Tide sends me samples...you get the idea.

The other thing I get a lot of is catalogs. I love catalogs. I don't care what they are for, I browse through every catalog that comes in the mail. You guys should thank me or I couldn't tell you about all the great products you could purchase should you be lucky enough to receive the Harriet Carter catalog.

Harriet Carter has been bringing us ~~"distinctive gifts"~~ "worthless crap" since 1958. It is the best resource to find the gift for the person who has everything. For example, does your beloved pet have a set of foam stairs so he or she can climb on the couch in comfort? No, I didn't think so. Lucky for you, you can find them at the bargain price of $39.98 thanks to Harriet Carter.

Here's another common problem: You know that you need to exercise, but those tapes are just so Boring! Well no more my friends! Harriet Carter would like to offer you Totally Nude Aerobics! That's right! Hot babes take it all off and do jumping jacks just for you! All at the bargain price of $19.98.

There are also items in the Harriet Carter catalog that will SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! For example, on page 44 there is a tool that will cut your seatbelt and break your car window in case you're ever trapped in your car. The only problem I see here is: how often would you get trapped in a car? Maybe once? Ever? Spending $7.98 on an item you may never use seems pretty impractical.
Of course, you could always break the windows of all the guys you hate. Now that's worth at least eight bucks! It's the perfect stocking stuffer for your favorite car-jacker!

Oh, here's a handy tool for the alcoholic on the go: A flask cleverly disguised as a cell phone! Now all those "important business calls" can be a lot more fun! Worth every penny of $9.98!

Does your Christmas tree not look gaudy enough? Set it on top of this fabulous Light-up Tree Skirt! Oh, and put these fiber optic converters on all your lights! Oh, and for that extra touch of class, shove Santa in your wine bottle.

I'm really excited about the upcoming holiday season. My family and friends are going to be thrilled with all the ~~distinctive gifts~~ worthless crap I send them. The best part is, next year, I'll have a much shorter gift giving list!

And I love you...

2005-08-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

I had something really funny to post, but today isn't the day for that. I'll get back to that another day. Right now I'd like to tell you all a story. This isn't going to be totally hilarious and all that stuff, so if you're afraid of a little honest human emotion, you'd better just check back in a few days.

Ok, so you've been warned.

I know a man who works hard everyday to provide for his family. He goes to school to improve himself and set a good example for his children. He loses sleep so he can be at all his children's soccer practices, clubs, and doctor's appointments. He takes care of his wife when she's ill or sad.

This man is my husband and I love him with all my heart.

It's come to my attention lately that I have been neglecting him. I haven't been as understanding as I should be, and I've blamed him in my heart for things that aren't his fault. I don't listen as well as I should. I complain about things that he can't fix. I give him grief he doesn't deserve.

I just wanted to say for the record that I'm sorry. I don't ever want him to think that I take him for granted. I don't ever want him to think for one minute that I don't care. Without him, my life would be so empty. When he came along, he filled a hole inside my heart that I didn't even know I had.

Thank you, John, for all that you do for me. I only wish I could come close to paying it all back.
I love you.

Back by Popular Demand

2005-08-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, don't hate me because I haven't given you any entertainment all summer... or because I'm beautiful. Basically, I decided to stop posting because I didn't think anyone cared to read all the crap I was ranting on about. I'm my own worst critic I suppose. I finally decided to get back to it when my lovely sister sent me an email of complaint on behalf of EVERYONE in her office! Is that super cool or what? Apparently, these people don't have anything better to do during the day than to hang on my every thought, hoping for a little giggle here and there.

For instance, once my sister sent me one of those stupid email forwards (and we know how I feel about those) with all these supposedly clever questions in it e.g. "If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why do they sing about him?" You guys have gotten this one before I'm sure. So being the helpful, considerate (read smart-ass) person that I am, I decided to answer them.

It was kind of nice knowing that someone was laughing with me, instead of at me like in all those Bugs Bunny nightmares. (Thanks a lot Melanie!) So I would like to thank all of the good people at the Federal Marine Terminal for getting me back at the keyboard, and for the rest of you I'm giving you my Boy Scout Oath not to abandon you again.

So there you are. I've got something brewing in my head here that will be both informative and vulgar, so be sure to check back soon.

By the way, the answer is "I bet the corn cares."

I do too have a job! 100 of them even!

2005-03-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've been slacking off for a few weeks. Forgive me. Been pretty busy around here. I had to post today because something pretty important has been bothering me. If you read any kind of form, from a private survey to government education grant applications, you find a question that asks your occupation. A fair enough question, right? WRONG!!! Those of us who don't HAVE a "job" you have to list "unemployed" as your occupation. Apparently, unless you bring in a paycheck, you have no value.

Am I wrong that I want a little credit for all the work I do? Is it so much to ask that I should be able to list myself as a Homemaker, and for that to be a title of some prestige instead of a synonym for "jobless bum?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of these liberals who think we should call the handicapped "Differently Abled" or call the poor people "economically disadvantaged" or call short people "vertically challenged"...You get the idea. I do think though that there are many people in our country who do the jobs that no one else wants to do, and somehow still don't get any respect for it.

I was going to update my Yahoo! information, and noticed that I couldn't select Homemaker as occupation. That's kind of what started this thing. It's one thing for the government to call me unemployed, but I don't like being forced to call myself unemployed.

I have started a petition to send to Yahoo. I hope you all will sign it, and give those of us who keep our families running a little bit of dignity.

Another Manic Monday...

2005-02-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well I hope everyone had a great weekend. I hear there was some kind of football game or something. Oh, and the Mardi Gras stuff started. Yippie. So it was an exciting weekend all around.

But now it's Monday again. I don't know about you guys, but I still haven't gotten the hang of Mondays. It always seems like whenever some crap is going to fall, it happens on Monday. Today, for example, I had snot to clean up, and cat puke, and well...smelly stuff, if you know what I mean. I sure hope you guys are doing better, but somehow I doubt it. I bet you guys have just as hard of a time with Mondays as I do. I think thats why we move all our holidays to Monday.

We really have to do something about fixing Monday. This just can't stand. My first idea was to completely abolish Mondays all together, but then Tuesday would suck. Then I thought we could move our days off from Saturday and Sunday to Sunday and Monday. Here again, we'd only be hurting Tuesday.

I've taken a lot of time to think about this, and I figured out what has to be done. We have to find some way of making Monday special. Obviously, that is the reason for Monday holidays, but there are way more Mondays than holidays. My suggestion is that we make EVERY Monday a holiday. Not that we take every Monday off work, but we need to make Mondays more exciting AT work, so that first ugly day of the week doesn't seem so long.

Maybe we could have a Monday National Nap, where everyone is allowed to hide in the break room and snooze for an hour every Monday. Here's a good idea: Monday Cake Day. Every Monday we have cake at work. We could even have themes: Like in February we could have heart shaped cakes in honor of Valentine's Day, or Black Forest Cake in honor of Black history month. There are lots of options here.

Maybe you guys have some better ideas. So for the rest of the month, I am holding a contest. Whoever comes up with a solution to Evil Monday wins. The prize is a secret, but it's cool, so post your brilliant comments.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2005-02-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday! So far it is the best one I've ever had! Nothing terrible has happened, and it looks like I'm going to get away from the kids this weekend. Yay!

Ok, now to business. It has come to my attention that a grave injustice is finally going to be corrected. Yes, that's right, Fraggle Rock is finally coming out on DVD!

Unfortunately, those greedy bastards are releasing these discs every month or two with only 3 episodes on each one. It's disgraceful. There has been a petition for years for them to release the whole series (Please sign this.) I've heard several rumors that they are going to release season one this fall, but according to Amazon that's not the case. I really don't understand what the deal is. I mean come on, if they can release Degrassi Junior High and make money, surely the Fraggles can rake it in for them.

I could go on all day about this, believe me. My point is I should get what I want! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

THAT'S IT! YOU'VE RUINED MY ENTIRE CUTE SONG!!!

2005-01-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm late this week, and I apologize. I'm going to make it up to you, Dear Reader, with a world class rant.

The whole thing started off with this tooth whitener commercial. The ad said something like "What if every woman in the world used Crest Whitestrips?" Or something like that. I thought to myself, "Why can't men whiten their teeth too?" That got me thinking about all the other things women are supposed to do/be that men aren't required to even attempt.

Women are supposed to wear uncomfortable shoes that do irrevocable damage to her hips and back just so her feet look sexy. Men can wear gym shoes that they have had for 10 years.

Women are supposed to wear makeup so as to not show any blemishes or (God forbid) laugh lines around her eyes. She can't look old. Men, on the other hand, do nothing to improve their appearance, and aren't expected to.

Now don't get my wrong. I'm not one of these male-hating penis-envying feminists. In fact, I pretty much hate those bitches over at NOW. Here's the thing I do hate. I hate how on TV Jim Belushi can be married to Courtney Thorne-Smith and no one thinks anything of it. How about Kevin James and Leah Remini? Does this seem realistic to any of you?

I could really go on and on with examples of television and movie pairs that fall way out of line with reality. My point is we would never see Roseanne as a love interest for Matt Damon. And we'll never see Betty White coupled with Leonardo DeCaprio. That's all fine and dandy, but I'm tired of seeing Harrison Ford kissing girls young enough to be his daughters. I'm tired of seeing beautiful women in the arms of men who are, lets say, less than god's gift.

I feel like these type of pairings give us a very unrealistic view of what a man and a woman's roles in relationships are. Women have unreasonable demands put on them to look a certain way, and to dress a certain way, and to act a certain way. Men are not put under the same kind of scrutiny. Men, apparently, are allowed to sit around the house in his sweat pants, drinking beer, and watching football like a slob.

The double standard has got to stop. Men, if you want your lady to look nice for you, then you in turn have to make the same effort. Oh and btw, we really don't think you look nice with your pants pulled down as to show others your underwear. Pull up your pants, and put on a tie. Thank you.

Tsunami Waves, Rain Events, and Other Catastrophes

2005-01-12T21:21:00.000-08:00

I was wondering something after I watched the news last night. Do we still require newscasters to go to journalism school or do we just pick someone off the street and put them in front of a camera? I say this because, when reporting about the relief effort, our newsman called the disaster a "Tsunami Wave." You would think an educated man would know that "Tsunami" means "Tidal Wave." To call it a "Tsunami Wave" is like saying "Tidal Wave Wave."

You see this type of redundancy everywhere. For example, I'm constantly hearing people say they are going to the "ATM Machine?" People, ATM stands for "Automatic Teller Machine." Don't make yourself sound stupid by going to the "Automatic Teller Machine Machine." Also, when you get there, don't use your "Personal Identification Number Number." You know... your PIN Number.

Irregardless of what you may think, the word is Regardless!

While all of these phrases are common errors, we should be able to count on a Meteorologist not to tell us to expect a "Rain Event." Rain is an event! Would you hop in your "SUV Vehicle" and go initiate a "Murder Event?"

I love all of you people, I just want you to know that. Irregardless of that, until you stop saying these boneheaded things, I'm going to hold a Protest Event.

Doing God's Work

2005-01-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

This being my first post, I thought it was fitting to do something to help the community. So today, boys and girls, I would like to offer the following Public Service Announcement:

We have all had quite enough emails involving pictures of angels kissing kittens and teddy bears hugging each other. So feel free to pursue something more productive with your time. Also, if you happen to write terrible poetry involving your brother being killed by drunk drivers you can stop too. We have plenty of those circulating around as well.

You know, since I'm being so helpful here anyway, why don't I just give you some guidelines about what is suitable to cram into people's mailboxes and what just pisses off all your friends. Let's just start with the things we don't like (because there is WAY too much of that going around).

Any animated pictures. Please, we all know you are very clever for making that all by yourself just like a big boy, but send it to your mommy. Strangers don't care.
Pictures of angels. We come to the internet to find porn. The last thing we want to hear is how we have angels watching over us. Let them find their own porn.
Curses. Now this I really don't get. How is it you can send me this long sappy poem about how much I mean to you, then tell me if I don't send it to everyone else that I'm going to be cursed forever. What kind of friend are you anyway? Why don't you just push me in front of a bus already?
Offers for Bill Gates's Money. Let me tell you this definitively: BILL GATES IS NOT GIVING AWAY HIS MONEY! He doesn't need to pay Wilbur from Omaha to test his "email tracking system". He only OWNS Hotmail. Perhaps you've heard of it?
OLD jokes. We all know what I'm talking about. These are the jokes (most of which were only marginally funny the first time around) that have been passed around more than a two-dollar hooker. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you've had it in your inbox twice, then so have I. I don't need it again. Also, don't send a joke that's just not funny. I'll save you the time-minorities are dumb, fat people are slobs, (stupid as well) and little kids curse more than the entire Navy.

Don't think that we don't like getting email. We certainly do appreciate the efforts made by our friends and family to brighten up our day. Here are the things we DO like to get:

1. ... hmm... Come to think of it, I haven't received anything in recent memory that wasn't the aforementioned crap. Do people send anything else?

I hope that I've been helpful, and you can now go out and change your lives in some dramatic way and get on Oprah and she'll give you a car or some towels or something. When you do, send me an email.