Hoorah for Mail!

I get a lot of junk mail. You name it, I get it. Coupons, flyers, credit card offers, kids with cystic fibrosis send me address labels, Tide sends me samples...you get the idea.

The other thing I get a lot of is catalogs. I love catalogs. I don't care what they are for, I browse through every catalog that comes in the mail. You guys should thank me or I couldn't tell you about all the great products you could purchase should you be lucky enough to receive the Harriet Carter catalog.

Harriet Carter has been bringing us "distinctive gifts" "worthless crap" since 1958. It is the best resource to find the gift for the person who has everything. For example, does your beloved pet have a set of foam stairs so he or she can climb on the couch in comfort? No, I didn't think so. Lucky for you, you can find them at the bargain price of $39.98 thanks to Harriet Carter.

Here's another common problem: You know that you need to exercise, but those tapes are just so Boring! Well no more my friends! Harriet Carter would like to offer you Totally Nude Aerobics! That's right! Hot babes take it all off and do jumping jacks just for you! All at the bargain price of $19.98.

There are also items in the Harriet Carter catalog that will SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! For example, on page 44 there is a tool that will cut your seatbelt and break your car window in case you're ever trapped in your car. The only problem I see here is: how often would you get trapped in a car? Maybe once? Ever? Spending $7.98 on an item you may never use seems pretty impractical.
Of course, you could always break the windows of all the guys you hate. Now that's worth at least eight bucks! It's the perfect stocking stuffer for your favorite car-jacker!

Oh, here's a handy tool for the alcoholic on the go: A flask cleverly disguised as a cell phone! Now all those "important business calls" can be a lot more fun! Worth every penny of $9.98!

Does your Christmas tree not look gaudy enough? Set it on top of this fabulous Light-up Tree Skirt! Oh, and put these fiber optic converters on all your lights! Oh, and for that extra touch of class, shove Santa in your wine bottle.

I'm really excited about the upcoming holiday season. My family and friends are going to be thrilled with all the distinctive gifts worthless crap I send them. The best part is, next year, I'll have a much shorter gift giving list!