Doing God's Work

This being my first post, I thought it was fitting to do something to help the community. So today, boys and girls, I would like to offer the following Public Service Announcement:

We have all had quite enough emails involving pictures of angels kissing kittens and teddy bears hugging each other. So feel free to pursue something more productive with your time. Also, if you happen to write terrible poetry involving your brother being killed by drunk drivers you can stop too. We have plenty of those circulating around as well.

You know, since I'm being so helpful here anyway, why don't I just give you some guidelines about what is suitable to cram into people's mailboxes and what just pisses off all your friends. Let's just start with the things we don't like (because there is WAY too much of that going around).

1. Any animated pictures. Please, we all know you are very clever for making that all by yourself just like a big boy, but send it to your mommy. Strangers don't care.
   
2. Pictures of angels. We come to the internet to find porn. The last thing we want to hear is how we have angels watching over us. Let them find their own porn.
   
3. Curses. Now this I really don't get. How is it you can send me this long sappy poem about how much I mean to you, then tell me if I don't send it to everyone else that I'm going to be cursed forever. What kind of friend are you anyway? Why don't you just push me in front of a bus already?
   
4. Offers for Bill Gates's Money. Let me tell you this definitively: BILL GATES IS NOT GIVING AWAY HIS MONEY! He doesn't need to pay Wilbur from Omaha to test his "email tracking system". He only OWNS Hotmail. Perhaps you've heard of it?
   
5. OLD jokes. We all know what I'm talking about. These are the jokes (most of which were only marginally funny the first time around) that have been passed around more than a two-dollar hooker. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you've had it in your inbox twice, then so have I. I don't need it again. Also, don't send a joke that's just not funny. I'll save you the time-minorities are dumb, fat people are slobs, (stupid as well) and little kids curse more than the entire Navy.
   

Don't think that we don't like getting email. We certainly do appreciate the efforts made by our friends and family to brighten up our day. Here are the things we DO like to get:

1. ... hmm... Come to think of it, I haven't received anything in recent memory that wasn't the aforementioned crap. Do people send anything else?

I hope that I've been helpful, and you can now go out and change your lives in some dramatic way and get on Oprah and she'll give you a car or some towels or something. When you do, send me an email.