Monday, March 20, 2006

I have a dream... please don't lock me up.

Well I got all your hints. I've been lazy. I'll admit that. I'm going to try to do this stuff more often, honest. Sometimes, I just don't think I do anything interesting enough to waste your time on. So then my husband says, "Write about your weird dreams, everyone will want to hear about that bizarre stuff."

So here goes.

First of all, I want to go on record as saying that I'm completely sane...or at least Mostly Harmless.

This is the weirdest dream I've ever had:

I was in a huge courtroom. There were several judges there, and they were all wearing robes and those powdered white wigs. The judges each had a little man living inside their desk. The little men were about the size of barbie dolls, and they all wore powder-blue polyester jumpsuits and roller skates. Their job was to keep the judges' desktops clean. If the desk got cluttered, a little man would rollerskate out and sweep things up.

I thought that this was a huge injustice. I was convinced that the judges were taking advantage of the little men. I was arguing my point, when all of the sudden, the courtroom erupted with noise and confusion. I turned around, and some hollywood people had come in and were giving out free stuff to promote the TV show "What's Happening!"

Noone cared any longer about the little men, or what I had to say because they were too busy lined up to score some free Rerun hats.
I woke up after that. It was all very strange.

I want to again point out that I'm perfectly normal, or failing that, not capable of hurting anyone. Also, for all of you would-be dream analysts out there, I HATE "What's Happening!"
HATE HATE HATE! Always have.

I would also like to again point out to those of you who don't seem to want to believe me, I don't ALWAYS dream about Mr. T. I had one dream with Mr. T in it...and he wasn't even a main character. He barely made a cameo.

Anyway, leave your comments and tell me what you think. If you're interested, next time I'll tell you about the Mr. T dream... and maybe the Robert Stack dream.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Hoorah for Mail!

I get a lot of junk mail. You name it, I get it. Coupons, flyers, credit card offers, kids with cystic fibrosis send me address labels, Tide sends me samples...you get the idea.

The other thing I get a lot of is catalogs. I love catalogs. I don't care what they are for, I browse through every catalog that comes in the mail. You guys should thank me or I couldn't tell you about all the great products you could purchase should you be lucky enough to receive the Harriet Carter catalog.

Harriet Carter has been bringing us "distinctive gifts" "worthless crap" since 1958. It is the best resource to find the gift for the person who has everything. For example, does your beloved pet have a set of foam stairs so he or she can climb on the couch in comfort? No, I didn't think so. Lucky for you, you can find them at the bargain price of $39.98 thanks to Harriet Carter.

Here's another common problem: You know that you need to exercise, but those tapes are just so Boring! Well no more my friends! Harriet Carter would like to offer you Totally Nude Aerobics! That's right! Hot babes take it all off and do jumping jacks just for you! All at the bargain price of $19.98.

There are also items in the Harriet Carter catalog that will SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! For example, on page 44 there is a tool that will cut your seatbelt and break your car window in case you're ever trapped in your car. The only problem I see here is: how often would you get trapped in a car? Maybe once? Ever? Spending $7.98 on an item you may never use seems pretty impractical.
Of course, you could always break the windows of all the guys you hate. Now that's worth at least eight bucks! It's the perfect stocking stuffer for your favorite car-jacker!

Oh, here's a handy tool for the alcoholic on the go: A flask cleverly disguised as a cell phone! Now all those "important business calls" can be a lot more fun! Worth every penny of $9.98!

Does your Christmas tree not look gaudy enough? Set it on top of this fabulous Light-up Tree Skirt! Oh, and put these fiber optic converters on all your lights! Oh, and for that extra touch of class, shove Santa in your wine bottle.

I'm really excited about the upcoming holiday season. My family and friends are going to be thrilled with all the distinctive gifts worthless crap I send them. The best part is, next year, I'll have a much shorter gift giving list!

Monday, August 29, 2005

And I love you...

I had something really funny to post, but today isn't the day for that. I'll get back to that another day. Right now I'd like to tell you all a story. This isn't going to be totally hilarious and all that stuff, so if you're afraid of a little honest human emotion, you'd better just check back in a few days.

Ok, so you've been warned.

I know a man who works hard everyday to provide for his family. He goes to school to improve himself and set a good example for his children. He loses sleep so he can be at all his children's soccer practices, clubs, and doctor's appointments. He takes care of his wife when she's ill or sad.

This man is my husband and I love him with all my heart.

It's come to my attention lately that I have been neglecting him. I haven't been as understanding as I should be, and I've blamed him in my heart for things that aren't his fault. I don't listen as well as I should. I complain about things that he can't fix. I give him grief he doesn't deserve.

I just wanted to say for the record that I'm sorry. I don't ever want him to think that I take him for granted. I don't ever want him to think for one minute that I don't care. Without him, my life would be so empty. When he came along, he filled a hole inside my heart that I didn't even know I had.

Thank you, John, for all that you do for me. I only wish I could come close to paying it all back.
I love you.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Back by Popular Demand

Ok, don't hate me because I haven't given you any entertainment all summer... or because I'm beautiful. Basically, I decided to stop posting because I didn't think anyone cared to read all the crap I was ranting on about. I'm my own worst critic I suppose. I finally decided to get back to it when my lovely sister sent me an email of complaint on behalf of EVERYONE in her office! Is that super cool or what? Apparently, these people don't have anything better to do during the day than to hang on my every thought, hoping for a little giggle here and there.


For instance, once my sister sent me one of those stupid email forwards (and we know how I feel about those) with all these supposedly clever questions in it e.g. "If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why do they sing about him?" You guys have gotten this one before I'm sure. So being the helpful, considerate (read smart-ass) person that I am, I decided to answer them.


It was kind of nice knowing that someone was laughing with me, instead of at me like in all those Bugs Bunny nightmares. (Thanks a lot Melanie!) So I would like to thank all of the good people at the Federal Marine Terminal for getting me back at the keyboard, and for the rest of you I'm giving you my Boy Scout Oath not to abandon you again.


So there you are. I've got something brewing in my head here that will be both informative and vulgar, so be sure to check back soon.


By the way, the answer is "I bet the corn cares."

Thursday, March 10, 2005

I do too have a job! 100 of them even!

Ok, so I've been slacking off for a few weeks. Forgive me. Been pretty busy around here. I had to post today because something pretty important has been bothering me. If you read any kind of form, from a private survey to government education grant applications, you find a question that asks your occupation. A fair enough question, right? WRONG!!! Those of us who don't HAVE a "job" you have to list "unemployed" as your occupation. Apparently, unless you bring in a paycheck, you have no value.

Am I wrong that I want a little credit for all the work I do? Is it so much to ask that I should be able to list myself as a Homemaker, and for that to be a title of some prestige instead of a synonym for "jobless bum?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of these liberals who think we should call the handicapped "Differently Abled" or call the poor people "economically disadvantaged" or call short people "vertically challenged"...You get the idea. I do think though that there are many people in our country who do the jobs that no one else wants to do, and somehow still don't get any respect for it.

I was going to update my Yahoo! information, and noticed that I couldn't select Homemaker as occupation. That's kind of what started this thing. It's one thing for the government to call me unemployed, but I don't like being forced to call myself unemployed.

I have started a petition to send to Yahoo. I hope you all will sign it, and give those of us who keep our families running a little bit of dignity.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Another Manic Monday...

Well I hope everyone had a great weekend. I hear there was some kind of football game or something. Oh, and the Mardi Gras stuff started. Yippie. So it was an exciting weekend all around.


But now it's Monday again. I don't know about you guys, but I still haven't gotten the hang of Mondays. It always seems like whenever some crap is going to fall, it happens on Monday. Today, for example, I had snot to clean up, and cat puke, and well...smelly stuff, if you know what I mean. I sure hope you guys are doing better, but somehow I doubt it. I bet you guys have just as hard of a time with Mondays as I do. I think thats why we move all our holidays to Monday.

We really have to do something about fixing Monday. This just can't stand. My first idea was to completely abolish Mondays all together, but then Tuesday would suck. Then I thought we could move our days off from Saturday and Sunday to Sunday and Monday. Here again, we'd only be hurting Tuesday.

I've taken a lot of time to think about this, and I figured out what has to be done. We have to find some way of making Monday special. Obviously, that is the reason for Monday holidays, but there are way more Mondays than holidays. My suggestion is that we make EVERY Monday a holiday. Not that we take every Monday off work, but we need to make Mondays more exciting AT work, so that first ugly day of the week doesn't seem so long.

Maybe we could have a Monday National Nap, where everyone is allowed to hide in the break room and snooze for an hour every Monday. Here's a good idea: Monday Cake Day. Every Monday we have cake at work. We could even have themes: Like in February we could have heart shaped cakes in honor of Valentine's Day, or Black Forest Cake in honor of Black history month. There are lots of options here.

Maybe you guys have some better ideas. So for the rest of the month, I am holding a contest. Whoever comes up with a solution to Evil Monday wins. The prize is a secret, but it's cool, so post your brilliant comments.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Today is my birthday! So far it is the best one I've ever had! Nothing terrible has happened, and it looks like I'm going to get away from the kids this weekend. Yay!

Ok, now to business. It has come to my attention that a grave injustice is finally going to be corrected. Yes, that's right, Fraggle Rock is finally coming out on DVD!

Unfortunately, those greedy bastards are releasing these discs every month or two with only 3 episodes on each one. It's disgraceful. There has been a petition for years for them to release the whole series (Please sign this.) I've heard several rumors that they are going to release season one this fall, but according to Amazon that's not the case. I really don't understand what the deal is. I mean come on, if they can release Degrassi Junior High and make money, surely the Fraggles can rake it in for them.

I could go on all day about this, believe me. My point is I should get what I want! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!